To: Donald Trump
From: The American Media
Date: August 28th, 2015
Re: Thank you for just being you
While the first several months of the presidential party's nomination can indeed be as exciting as watching astro-turf grow, we want to formally thank you for making this story-void process so entertaining!
Though most of the stump speeches and campaigning in this period is mostly rhetoric, and can be blown off as nothing more than hot air, you sir, have provided a whole different level of rhetoric that has both insulted many groups as well as created large swaths of people excited about your campaign. The news coverage is a direct result of your presence, and we want to formally thank you.
Most of the time, we'll report that this candidate was here looking at hogs (or castrating them), or the other candidate was eating something deep-fried. The number of stories is typically small, unless of course, a debate is occurring.
In 2012, we had a great time with the sheer number of debates scheduled, with each candidate trying to come off more conservative than the other, and eventually tripping over each other. At the end, it was the black guy that was elected to his second term as president.
Since your announcement of running for president - it is president of the United States and not CEO of the United States - and of course, your insults to the majority of undocumented workers being rapists, murderers, and drug pushers, you have been a non-stop source of top stories. Of course, we aren't sure if it is due to the "let's watch a car-wreck mentality" or "god damn, this guy's entertaining", but we can't seem to not cover you, as it has been a good rating draw.
If FOX had known that 35 million people would watch the first debate, I'm sure they would have sold 30-second ads at Super Bowl prices. Forget about whether it is undignified for a presidential debate to be treated as entertainment only, we're talking millions in advertising revenue.
I am sure that future debates will be handled in that manner, so we want to thank you again for having a 30% average poll rating - we mean, you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Please note that we are also asking the head of the RNC, Reince something - you know, the guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman - about scheduling many more debates. We know that sounds greedy, but hey dude, you're greedy too!
While we, the media, would never want to rig any elections, and we won't, it is our desire that you keep the bombastic rhetoric high, and be as little as specific as possible. We don't want you to get thrown off your pedestal when the press starts seriously looking at your statements and proposals. Okay, so Jorge Ramos of Univision called you out, but your proposals are still quite weak, so you can maintain that high-energy campaign which we have so loved to follow.
And while we continually thank you over the next several weeks or months - we’re just praying every day for months - we feel it is our obligation to let you know that it does end.
At some point, those pesky voters start questioning a candidate's positions and then, they start questioning our competence as journalists. So, we will eventually have to come down on your proposals - whether they have any specifics or not.
Don't let the end bother you. Just be you as long as you can, because you’re not going to lose anything. Seriously, you're not going to be the president of the United States - note again, it is president and not CEO of the United States - so nothing lost, nothing gained.
Look at it as your brand being pushed higher and higher - of course, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny possibility, that it might be tarnished a bit, but we have faith in you.
Thanks again, Donald Trump, for being you.
The American Media